The next day everything was going along ok. I felt a little bit anxious but was not sure about what. I sensed something was changing but was not real clear on the details of it all. I was also feeling excited because a friend was about to show up and I was looking forward to the visit. Time passed though and they did not show. After a good amount of time I ultimately decided to send a text to see if they were still coming and to be sure that everything was okay.
. They were late and I was worried. Now, everyone who knows me knows I really do not like texting, so this was unusual for me. I texted a short note to see if we were still meeting up and the replay came back that they were not coming at all. There was an “I’m sorry I forgot to let you know” included in their text which normally would’ve been enough, but this time; it turns out; was different.
This kind of thing had been happening more & more lately. The excitement & anticipation and then the letdown & disappointment after a last-minute change. This time really upset me. I felt unappreciated for all that I had been doing for my friend & disrespected because the courtesy of communication didn’t seem to be there. I replied asking if maybe my friend could let me know a little sooner when plans are changing but my text was not taken in the way I meant it. In trying to ask for better communication & express my worry and hurt, my friend ended up feeling attacked. She decided to attack back which created a phone call with a toxic exchange of words. Lots of hurt and pain poured out from both sides and I ended up feeling like I had lost a connection to someone very important to me. Someone I really cared deeply about. She was not just my friend, but part of my family. I felt devastated.
I had really tried to keep our family together & connected but with this I was feeling like it was all starting to fall apart. What could I do? A big part of me felt like if we could talk in person we could clear everything up. I decided to take the chance. I called the next day to talk and promised myself I would stay cool. It proved difficult because it felt like we were not actually addressing our problem. The conversation kept turning towards someone else, someone I love very much. I tried & tried to just keep myself calm as the continuous attacks were fired. Finally, my heart broke. It broke wide open at a level that was beyond anything I had ever felt before. Energy came pouring out from deep within my core and I totally lost control. Cries came pouring out of my body and I could not even speak. I had to hang up the phone. This crying was at such a low, deep vibration I could hardly believe it was coming out of me. I thought I was going to pass out as the horrific premortal cries of pain erupted. It continued for so long I had no choice but to release and surrender. I could not control it. It rattled me to my core.
Part of me knows that all this pain was not caused by the person that I had been listening to. It was her words. Words that cut so deep they opened a volcano of pain that I had buried deep within my core. Pain I did not even know it was still there. I had asked Spirit to help me release all my feelings of anger, pain, fear & disrespect before the New Year. I had asked and Spirit had answered. It was my ‘Coming Apart’ & the end of my own era and Spirit took it to levels I would never have imagined.
Now, I feel free. I am ‘lighter’ mentally, physically, emotionally & spiritually just as I had requested. It is no longer my job to keep our family “together” in the ways we are all used to. I have released all the hard lessons and pain from my attempts to be the “glue” for all these years. I did not know I was still holding onto pain from this “job” as a child or from what I thought I had put my kids through trying to keep us all together. I see so clearly now that they are amazing adults that have been affected by what we went through, but have taken those experience and learned from them in the best ways possible. They are strong and loving souls.
I truly believe we are all Divinely Perfect as we continue to grow and heal on our person paths. God sends people into our lives for this very reason. Therefore, I am thankful for the beautiful soul that helped me crack open the anger, pain and fear that was so deeply buried within me so that I could heal. I hope if she needs it, that she will find healing from this too. I also hope that my children will continue to heal from their experiences. It is true that I have always tried to keep our family together. I believe with all my heart that I have done my very best as parent or at the very least done what I thought was the best for all of us at the time. I love my kids and am so proud of them as adults. I am also thankful for my husband and that we fought for each other and for our family. We have been together for 35 years and he is still my best friend, my rock and my loving partner. Last but not least, I am so grateful for it all because it has made me a more compassionate person, wife & mother and a more loving & compassionate healer.